Self-improvement from what?

Addiction can take many forms, whether it be relationships, substances or habits.

By Leonard Ottone with Suzy Stojanovic. Leonard Ottone is a personal assistant to people journeying through substance abuse. He is currently working on his first book.

When I was asked to write an article on self-improvement, my first question was ‘Self improvement from what?’  It presumes that there’s something wrong with you, which I don’t agree with. But there may be a problem. How I perceive myself, I believe, is how I perceive the world.

Twenty-one years ago, I wouldn’t have been the person you came to for advice on anything. I had a toxic relationship with drugs and alcohol. I’d tried to get clean and had relapsed time and again. I got in trouble with the law, was convicted and got locked up. I kept going until I’d burnt every bridge. You see, when I was stoned, I didn’t realise I was manipulating everyone and everything. When I was ready to give up that life, which was often, only then did I realise that I was on my own. I was desperate and I knew that I had to do something, but I didn’t know what I had to do

In the beginning, drugs seemed okay. I felt that euphoria that wiped everything away. But as time passed, I never recaptured that feeling. I’d spend 30 seconds having a taste, and I was good for those 30 seconds. What I did after that was to spend all my time trying to find ways and means to get more. I ran around lying, cheating and scamming.

In the beginning, nothing worked for me in my efforts to get clean. Everything was difficult, and I thought everyone else had the problem. There was also a lot of negative self-talk. I thought I used drugs as a cop out.

Then someone gave me a poster and said, ‘There’s nothing wrong with mistakes, Leonard. And you’ve made more mistakes than anyone I know. That’s why you know what you know. Someone who’s wise is someone who knows what they don’t know.’

That was when I realised that I’m not my addictions, relapses, convictions. I’m so much more than that. That was when I realised that my past was no more than a stepping stone.

These days I work as a personal assistant to people journeying through substance abuse. They come from all walks of life, with all sorts of addictions. One thing they often have in common is denial. I can’t tell them they’re in denial about the magnitude of their problem, because they’re not going to agree with me. I can’t fix them up because, personally, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with them. And I can’t recommend the best detox or rehab for anyone because, personally, I don’t think there is such a place. It’s like looking for Mr or Ms Right. At the end of the day it all comes down to what’s inside you, how you love you.

Just because someone uses drugs or alcohol, doesn’t mean that they’re a drug addict or alcoholic, or even, for that matter, that they have a problem with drugs or alcohol. As for me, if I’m not a drug addict or an alcoholic, I’m definitely someone who shouldn’t drink alcohol or use drugs.

I don’t like labels. It’s the meaning they’re loaded with, because drug and alcohol addiction is so demonised. So people give excuses. They say that they’ve got a little bit of a problem or a big problem, and they can’t do anything about it. While they’re justifying what they’re doing, everything stays the same.

There’s a saying: When you take the alcohol out of the fruitcake, what you’re left with is a fruitcake without purpose. My point is, you have to get to the moment of clarity where you realise that what has been your solution for so many years has now become your biggest problem. I can say this because I have been affected by my addictions and I have inflicted it on everyone around me unconsciously.

Despite having been in recovery for over 21 years I still attend self-help groups. I’m not a slow learner. I’ve used drugs for many years, been to detoxes, rehabs, in and out of jail and ruined many healthy relationships. But I am the fastest forgetter I have ever met. When things are all right in my life, part of me buys the lie that I can have just one more taste now. Self-help groups remind me that this is a lie.

I didn’t stop taking drugs and drinking alcohol because I don’t like them. I stopped because I love what they do, but our relationship was toxic. And toxic relationships have no place in my life any more.

Every day I reflect on my life, I meditate morning and evening, exercise and put only good food in my body. I try to be honest with myself, am open minded and ready to do whatever I have to do.